“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
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*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
*puts my mental health in rice
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught