(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
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Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Sign of the day..
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Saturday
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
do horses think humans are hats
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.