I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote