I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]