[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
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If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles