Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
this has to be peak English
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
*praying for world peace*
God:
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
“Wait, let me explain..”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.