Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
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FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.