Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
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If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
the red hot silly peppers
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]