therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!