*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
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Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
At least my masseuse has my back.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
set yourself free xox
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.