“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
You Might Also Like
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
we all know this pain all too well
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.