New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
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I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.