The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
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ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*