[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Lmaoo 😂
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
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I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed