[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
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Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline