Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
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Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
welp
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!