i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”