Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
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[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.