Denise please return my vape pen
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
How does one answer this?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
The best shot in the history of golf
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now