[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
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BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.