If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.