i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
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Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!