[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
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Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.