Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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“What movie?” 🤔
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears