[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.