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Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6