Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
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“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!