interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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i will not be silenced
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no