If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Something Saturday.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”