You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
You Might Also Like
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂