Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
You Might Also Like
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.