Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
You Might Also Like
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.