me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
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“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air