[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
2023 was just a warmup
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.