I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
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$3 #books
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
me irl
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.