*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
good work, detective
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers