[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him