I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
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Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.