Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
multitasking lunch
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home