My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
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*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”