haha same
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[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer