DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
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The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
i made a craigslist ad !
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.