My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
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Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later