If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
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Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Art by Pastelkatto
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Did I do this right
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Best spot.. 😅
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I didn’t realize that was an option
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex