Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*