“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
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8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.