“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Ghost costume 😂
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.