I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is