Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
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Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Ooops wrong house😂😜
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it