Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
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Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I have obtained a hat
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants